The ‘Dude and Marketer’ Story

Okay.. So it’s been a while on here.. Missed y’all. Good to be back J

So sometime last month, I read a story on www.lindaikeji.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/dear-lib-readers-i-need-your-advice.html?m=1 (which I think you should read too) and assuming the story is true, it’s quite a pathetic and annoying one. I decided to title it ‘Dude and Marketer’.. LOL.

So dude, (who claims to be a geek, and not-so-sociable), comes back home after studying abroad and meets an innocent and desperate looking bank marketer who tries to persuade him to open an account. She (marketer) some days later, went to meet the ‘geek’ while he was hanging out with friends at a hotel and tried to convince him for about five minutes. Now, friends convinced 28 year old geek (who isn’t really the type of take advantage) to have sex with the 21 year old in exchange for the account opening. And yes he did! Only to discover that Marketer, who told him she could do anything for the account opening was a VIRGIN!!! Oh dear LWKMD. Nollywood tings! Dude was so surprised, tripped and impressed, that his company had to open an account worth a ‘few hundreds of millions’.

That stage is now over and done with, Dude has satisfied his urge, Marketer has her account. However, dude has a problem he wants you to help him with: He thinks that he now has actual feelings for her and he thinks about her all the time. He is now no longer looking for sex, he wants something real! So now he’s asking if he should call her. (This is after he has told his friends about his ‘conquest’)

Well, this is how I see it. Dude is simply a selfish, lying and self-seeking bastard, who has developed feelings of guilt for taking advantage of a desperate young woman, and feelings of pity for her and is confusing these feelings for love, affection, or whatever. PERIOD! He didn’t just sleep with her because he wanted to. He did so, because his friends told him to. That sure goes to show how much he cares about her. Is he even sure he doesn’t want to see her just for another piece of the action? And there he is forming ‘hopeless romantic’. I can’t stop laughing.

Come to think of it, is it that easy to break an intact hymen? Dude had the heart to see it through even after discovering she was a virgin just because of the favour she asked of him? And now he’s claiming love? Really? Dude, please get real! Don’t get disturb the poor lady with your rubbish call. You had an exchange. Suck it up, get real and stop deceiving yourself and others.

Marketer!!! Hmm… So you remained a virgin till you were 21? And you let a job take that away from you? For real? Are you sure you didn’t pull any trick there? Maybe you figured the guy would fall for you if u were a virgin so you... *lips sealed*. Like seriously what would be your justification for that? Helplessness? No! Desperation is different from helplessness. Well it was your choice…At least, your bobo that saved your job has fallen in love. Maybe it was a blessing for you though. He’s now contemplating calling you… Pray he does sha. For me? You are very WRONG!!!

My opinion though! What do y’all think? Where are all my romantic readers J.. Oya comment and disagree with me o! LOOOOL!

Dueces,

Izzy @Izzyleecious

He deserves to die!!!

My neighbours, my neighbours… My stupid neighbours!! Dear God! Why do I have to live with these people? Lord why? This jobless, local, rude and uncultured lot. If they aren’t gossiping, they are fighting or expressing surprise at something you should ordinarily roll your eyes and hiss at.  Why can’t each person just mind his or her business and live in peace. Must they fight? Must they argue? Aaaaarggh!!!

Seriously, why can’t everyone just stay in his or her room and mind their own business?  Drama after drama, I am getting tired. I always have to wake up and have my bath and disappear before they all start to gather at the bathroom; I hate to stand in line neither do I want to argue. And the toilet? You don’t even want to imagine it. My friend’s house isn’t very far away; so after work, I go there to make myself ‘comfortable’ before I go home. I don’t have friends here. Once I get home, I go straight into my room and sleep. Fraternising isn’t even an option; No! Not with these ones..

They have started their noise again this Saturday morning. Isn’t it too early? Oh! Well, it is never too early to make noise around here. I want to go back to bed but the noise is just too much. What could they be going on about today again? So I look at my watch; it’s already 11am. I stretch again and feel pangs on hunger in my tummy. The noise coming from outside is getting louder and louder but I just can’t be bothered; afterall they scream like this every other day and I don’t want to know their business. I reach for the pot containing the leftover beans from last night and head out to the passage to warm it. But the noise keeps getting louder and has gone beyond the usual. Even I, the unconcerned one have become slightly interested. I want to know what is going on. I look out through the main door and observe that people are trooping into our compound.

And then I saw Shakiru, the guy who stays two rooms away from mine on his knees. It looks like he is under some sort of punishment. Some people are looking at him from afar with disgust on their faces; others are close to him and saying things to him. I can’t hear them, but I know they are angry with him. I have never liked him too. He doesn’t work, neither does he trade. He looks like a miscreant to me. There has always been something creepy about the way he looks. But then why is everyone angry at him. I become more curious. What has he done?

And then appears Iya Bola, the widow whose room is just opposite mine. She is crying and wailing like she has a demon in her. She moved into the house with her little girl, Bola about four months ago. Some people are with her, trying to guide her into her room and telling her that Bola’s health is more important now than any other thing. This is getting scary! What could be going on?

At this point, I decide to swallow my pride and ask Dapo, the landlord’s son. The look on his face; like I came to beg him for money. I don’t have to be told that he won’t talk to me, so I move closer to the crowd which was beginning to form around the now weeping Shakiru. Then I heard him say in Yoruba amidst tears “Ishe Esu nii!” (meaning It’s the devil’s work).  

‘Why won’t you blame the devil?’, says Tafa, another occupant of the house. ‘After you have done such damage, you will surely be quick to blame the devil.’ ‘Tell us! What attracted you to a 3 year old girl?’

The only three year old in this house is Bola! Oh! Bleeding hell!! Shakiru had raped Bola!!

Iya Bola had asked Shakiru to help her watch Bola while she went out to fetch them some food. Only to return and meet her daughter alone, crying loudly, writhing in gruesome pain and bleeding from her vagina.

A feeling of sadness creeps up all over me and I shudder. My hips and pelvic area begin feel totally uncomfortable as I imagine what that little girl must be going through. My eyes begin to shed hot tears and I become all covered up in goosebumps. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I had seen him when he was about to start. I wish I could cut off his manhood and make him swallow it. I wish he could be made to suffer a very terrible death.

I think about Bola and I wonder why! Why would he do a thing like that? What did he stand to gain from sleeping with a three year old? Is he insane? What did he think he was doing? How did he feel having sex with a baby? What pleasure did he derive from a partner who could neither respond nor enjoy? How did he even penetrate? Did her body turn him on? Did he enjoy her pain? Did he even have an orgasm?

It beats me, I cannot understand. All I can do is shed tears for the little girl. And for the first time I actually think to myself about a fellow human being, ‘HE DESERVES TO DIE!!!’

The lady

She's tall, slim and dark-skinned,
Bright smile, long dark hair, straight legs.
Big, bright eyes.
Yes! She's beautiful.

She's mannered, cultured and decent,
Graceful in her walk.
Calm in voice, choosy with her words,
Sweet, adorable and upright.
Polite and elegant in behavior,
Great chef, perfect hostess.
Damn! She's classy....

The perfect woman, looks like she's had a perfect life.
She has smiled so much that you may think she has no problems.
Her gait and her grace,
They make you want to be like her.

But when she was ten and couldn’t wear those elegant heels yet,
Her bare feet had stepped on her father’s blood after he shot himself in the head.
And her body had been defiled and violated when her mother married her rapist step-father.
Her eyes had watched her mother come home drunk and date and marry all sorts of men.

Just behind her smile are the tears she cried when her first husband chose his best friend’s assistant over her.
And beyond her sweetness is the hate she felt when her daughter slept with her own boyfriend.
And though she is friendly to everyone, she has been lonely since both her children stopped visiting.
And every time she finds herself behind closed doors in her empty house, she feels the need to treat herself to some alcohol just like her mother.

Even though she teaches the younger ones not to speak vulgar, she sometimes screams ‘f***’ out loud when she has a nightmare.
And when she talks about her love for God to people, she remembers how she sometimes curses him and how unhappy she is with him.
And when she teaches the teenage girls in church about chastity, she can’t help but feel guilty:
She’s guilty of sometimes licking her lips when the handsome pastor preaches;
And lusting after her best friend’s son;
And imagining what her mechanic looks like when he’s naked…
And when she looks at her bed,
All she can think about is the things she has done on it; and the number of men that have snuck out her house at 4 am after crazy drunk night at bars and even the fact that she can barely remember their faces afterwards.

Lonely middle-aged woman,
She sometimes wishes someone could look beyond her beauty and see her pain.
Beyond the smile and see the drain.
Beyond the dye and see the grey
Beyond the clothes and see how worn out her body actually is
Beyond the perfection and see the weaknesses.
That people could ignore the lady and actually see…
THE BEAST!!!

My Experience- When I walked out of my body (2)

The bloody room is hot as hell
I need to get out from hear...
Obviously now, I am more or less a ghost since no one can see me.
I miss my boyfriend,
I miss my besty.
I haven't seen them both since I had my accident!
'Oh mum!', I imagined... How dare you not call my boyfriend? How dare you not call my besty?
Seriously.... I understand you not liking my boyfriend but why didnt you call my besty?....

So I'm thinking, let me take this opportunity to view nature from the eyes of a 'ghost'.
This may be more fun than I imagined.
I look at my lifeless body, shake my head and walk out through the heavy looking door (which was locked by the way)....
This is too ridiculous, the feeling is weird, none of the nurses can see me. I sigh and walk past them.

Its around 5pm and I figured my office wouldn't have closed.
Naked as I am, I decide to go and visit them. Afterall they can't see me.
As I entered the door.. I see there isn't much work and my colleagues are chatting away the time.
Then they start talking about me and some one says :'I miss her'. Another person replied immediately : Ah! That noisy girl? the office is peaceful without her. The whole office burst into mad laughter when someone said: 'I know you miss her stupidity, we all do.'
Wow! I can't believe what I have just heard. I thought I was everyone's favourite colleague. I'm so sad. My head drops as I walk out of the office.

Now that I am outside the office, I begin to think it was a waste of my 'ghost time' coming to this office where they think I am stupid.
I think I should head to my boyfriend's place, at least I would feel love when I get there.
Just the thought of it, I smiled. Maybe after that, I'll visit my besty too before I go back to that God forsaken hospital. I think about my body and what it is going through in the hands of the doctors. I shake my head....

I get on a bus and sit on a lady's laps. She can't feel anything and its really funny.
The humour in this takes my sadness away.
And my hopes for a beautiful adventure returns.

His door is open, I look round and the aura in the sitting room welcomes me.
My smile soon disappears when I see a woman's shirt on the chair and panties on the carpet.
I am furious, am trembling all over. As I get closer to his room, I can hear 'sounds'.
The door is open so I storm inside...

And there it was. My boyfriend was making passionate love to my bestfriend!!!.
Its terrible and unbelievable.
I scream but they can't hear me. They have obviously gotten to a point of no return.
Moaning and groaning.... Wow!
I turn to go but I can't help looking back at them.
My bestfriend and boyfriend in bed together?
I'd better return to the hospital before I see another horrible thing.

On my way back, all I can do is cry.
I have held in high esteem and importance the very people who have been back stabbing me.
And my family who have loved me, I have cared less about.
I have placed the unimportant above the important. And I have come out hurt..

Lucky for me, I get back to the hospital when the final touches were made.
When the Is were being dotted and the Ts were being crossed.
As I replay those two terrible scenes in my head, I thank the doctors from the bottom of my heart, look at my lifeless body and walk back right into where I had walked out from, sad and torn.
Yes, I am sure! That when I wake up, I will begin to see things in a whole new light.

I cough up like 7hours after this.
Body and spirit now together.
I open my tired and weak eyes. Everything is blurry.
Just by my side, I see two figures standing.
Lord have mercy!
Its my boyfriend and bestfriend showing me 'love' and 'see-no-evil, here-no-evil' smiles.
Bloody shiiiii!
Can you imagine?
Like seriously?......

My Experience- When I walked out of my body (1)

I get up, look back and see my own body!
Bloody shiiiii! I can't believe this!!
I'm scared out of my mind; They are both ME!!!!
The 'me' that is lying on the bed is getting butchered and with eyes tightly closed isn't reacting at all! HOW???!
The 'me' that is standing and conscious is as naked as a 'plucked' chicken. HUH???!
Who are these intruders with ridiculous outufits fumbling with me? Are they mad? Why are they acting like they can't see me?
So I scream out loud to get their attention.
But not only are they mad, they are also deaf.
The whole scene reminds me of Grey's Anatomy.
Then I remember: I'm having a surgery.
But still, what am I doing outside my body? Am I dead?
Well, instead of torturing myself by watching them slice me up, I'd rather think back and try to remember how I ended up here...

I was leaving home for work,
And I didn't even greet my folks.
Mum screamed at me the night before, for coming in late.
And dad couldn't say anything in my defence.
So I couldn't be bothered.
My brother sent me an IM at about the time I woke up.
I didn't bother to read it (The boy's wahala is too much)
I didn't answer my sister when she called my name. I just wasn't in the mood.
I almost slapped the housemaid for standing in my way.
I just brushed her aside and jumped into my car.

I drove out of the compound, heaved a sigh of relief as though my family had been giving me trouble.
Memories of last night's outing made me smile.
My boyfriend invited me for a couple of drinks and I dragged my besty along.
She always complains about how heart broken and lonely she has become since her boyfriend left her and she's quick to remind of how lucky I am to have such a good guy as a boyfriend. I love her so much, I hate to see her down.
My boyfriend doesn't mind her company as well.

I remembered how she laughed and said 'I go love oh!' when my boyfriend planted a big kiss on my lips. It made me laugh.
I must've laughed too hard to notice that people were scampering away for safety.
Damn! A bullet had hit me from across the road and some good Samaritans rushed me to the hospital after the robbery was over.

I woke up in serious pain and saw my hypertensive mother crying. She was speaking to someone I am very sure was my dad and telling him 'The doctor said there would be a surgery to bring out the bullet but she would have to be conscious first.'
When I sneezed, the woman jumped up in utter joy. For some weird reason though, I was still mad at her.
I gave her a fake smile while scheming what to do to her when I get out of the hospital.
Shame on me, I could care less about my family at this moment.

My sister visited, my dad called every five seconds, my brother came all the way from his school, and my mum became a tenant at my bedside.
I couldn't be touched. Isn't it their duty to love me?
Two days later, after a heavy dose of medications, I am wheeled into this place where I am now standing outside myself and wondering if I am dead or not...

Because I love him....

I end up outside the door on the balcony
Severe pain in my tummy
Blood on my thighs and I'm wailing loudly.
The blood is now unstoppabble, the pain is unbearable.
I don't even know why I'm bleeding,
But I know it started when he kicked my tummy.

Just a while ago, we were both happy.
But everything changed when my phone rang.
He stretched his hand and reached for it.
And then he went crazy.
He just kept yelling and wouldn't listen.
He slapped me across the face before I could speak.

He has been doing this for as long as I have known him.
He'd slap me just for looking at someone,
Yet I'd stay, because I love him.
Once he pushed me down the stairs in anger,
I still stayed because I love him.
So many times, he'd leave me with a black eye,
I had to stay because I love him.
He would sometimes have his way with me forcefully,
I felt I had no choice because I love him.
My friends and family did not hide their disapproval,
I just wouldn't agree because I love him.

So I have been in these walls for three years, doing TIME!
And I wouldn't let myself out because I love him.
As I struggle to stand up from where I have been ,
Sitting and screaming like a possessed maniac,
It occures to me that he has ignored me the whole time.
It is almost midnight, too late for him to leave me out here.

I now begin to realise that it hasn't all been worth it.
Taking him back everytime he begged,
The fuss about the passionate make-up sex,
Closing my ears to everyone's advice.
Hoping everyday that he'd change.

There's so much pain in my body and heart.
I hate him for all the time I've wasted,
I hate him for all the tears I have shed,
I hate him for all the rubish I have taken,
I hate him for holding me captive all this time.

But what I don't know yet is that I'm about to hate him much more.
I will probably create an everlasting harm to his body and to his soul,
I will probably make him die a slow death when I find out the kind of damage he has done to me.
I will probably never forgive  him when I find out,

That I have been pregnant for the past six weeks,
That I have had an involuntary abortion thanks to the daddy,
And like that isn't enough,
I havent only lost my self-respect, sense of self-worth, confidence and my foetus to this relationship,
I have also LOST MY WOMB!

JUST BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!!!

MUSINGS OF AN ANGRY CHILD

I am just there on the floor under a tree. I can’t see well. I’m not even sure if I’m hallucinating or if what I’m seeing is real. I have had a cataract in my right eye for a couple of months now. All the same, I try to strain my eyes.

I can see something that looks like a vulture on another tree not too far away. It looks very hungry. But it is definitely not as hungry as I am. I haven’t had anything to eat for the past two days. I am ungrateful for the garri I had last night and I don’t care. Before then, all I have had is water.

I heard vultures don’t eat live meat. So this one is probably waiting for me to die before it strikes and feasts on my flesh. What flesh am I even talking about? Maybe the one in my big hard tummy. I have a big head, and my legs can hardly carry my body. I am thinner than you can ever imagine, I am tired, hungry and very unhealthy.

Both my father and my mother work very far away. They have been out all morning, leaving me with nothing to eat. The money he makes from being a farm labourer used to be barely enough for us to feed. I heard him telling my mother last night that the price of fuel has increased. And so he spends more trying to get to work now yet his daily wages haven’t increased. This leaves us with a lot less to live on. Infact, going to work is no longer profitable for him. My mother complained that she can no longer afford to buy the pepper she used to sell. The Hausas that bring the pepper from the north complained that it now costs them more than double to get it down to our town. Even before now, the women from whom she buys in bits have been selling to her reluctantly because she always owes. Now that everything is double its price, she isn’t sure she can do the trade anymore. I have never seen them complain so bitterly, I think life is about to get harder.

I am sick, I am very sick, I am so sick. My mother just got back from the market with something that looks like a concoction in a bottle. She sits beside me and asks me to drink it. She says its medicine and she believes it will make me well. I ask her why she can’t take me to the hospital. She says it isn’t free and she has no money. She goes out and comes back with the garri left over from last night. I am very angry. I do not want to eat garri. But what choice do I have?

I don’t even know my age. I think that’s because I have never been to school. My father said he would have loved to take me to school but he does not have any money. He says that the government doesn’t do anything for its citizens. Daddy has never been to any other country apart from ours. But he has heard that responsible governments make sure water, electricity, good roads, basic education is available for their citizens. And this includes countries not too far from us. He says this is why their government can remove the help they provide their citizens on oil and the citizens can welcome it without complaining. He says such is unacceptable in a country like ours. How can they take away the only thing we enjoy from them? Just like that?

Dad is very unhappy. He is wondering why we would have a product in its raw form, plants that can refine it into its constituent products and still have to send it out to be refined. His friend told him that we have three of such plants, all useless. He doesn’t know why the government would not explore that option instead of just removing the only help we get from them just like that. My daddy thinks that even if the help will be removed, it should have been done gradually. He thinks it is too sudden and ill timed.

My mummy says that the rulers of my country will never understand. They all have cars and generators fully fueled from government purse. How can they complain? How can they understand? How can they feel the pain of the poor masses like me and my parents?  

My mummy’s friend has just joined me and my mummy under the tree. She has just told my mummy that the problem might soon be solved. She said that youths across the country have started a protest theme “Occupy Nigeria”. May be the protest will make the government a little more passionate. May be there is still little hope for a better life. For the first time this year, I have a reason to smile. I am hopeful and happy that something might be done.

Right there under the tree, a young man ran past us. We didn’t understand why neither were we bothered. Until we saw a crowd coming from behind, obviously chasing him. One or two of them got tired and stopped running. My mother got up to ask why they were chasing him. They told her he had just stolen some money from a woman in the nearby market. Then I thought to myself, if I survive this illness and my lot doesn’t get better, maybe I’ll become a thief. I’ll take things forcefully from people and make a living. Since no one cares about me and how I survive, I hope no one will blame me then.

I am hoping. Hoping and praying that my country hears my silent cry and does something.